the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
