I feel like I'm in dance class right now
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
