Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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