I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
