I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize