Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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