I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm sobbing to NWA
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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