you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think my moral compass just broke
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