Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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