just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
