i was born a porn star she said
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
