you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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