I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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