How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
