PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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