my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
