When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
