Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
