What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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