so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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