last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
