Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
