After last night, I could never be a politician.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
