OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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