I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
