I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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