after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize