Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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