as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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