I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
