i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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