I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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