he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
