Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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