my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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