the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You are a genius and a whore.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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