my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
