how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
