If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize