I love black thongs
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Floor bacon is actually really good
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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