The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
