Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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