Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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