omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
