Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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