Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize