Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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