i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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