I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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