A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
