dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
