Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
