I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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