That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He called his prostate his "boner button".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
