I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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