Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
