I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
